The Experience of Living Life: Making Choices
“I’m awake, but I want to go back to sleep because sleeping is more comfortable,” I tell myself as I prepare to do my 5 a.m.yoga pose practice in the Thailand room. I pause, and think how profound that statement is.
Before understanding that all humans have an internal individual perspective that is based on their past experiences and can influence their emotions, thinking, and actions, I believed I was failing at life. I thought there were right and wrong choices for how to do life. I had lived life making an effort to make those right choices. Until one day at a therapy session, my mind finally understood. Everyone is figuring out their life, one choice at a time.
Rather than celebrating at that very needed realization, I cried. I cried and expressed my concern for not knowing how to trust myself to make choices for my life. I was accustomed to analyzing and disecting possible choices because I was so fearful of making mistakes. Rationalizing and defending my actions, overthinking, it was a pattern I used. I had been trying so hard to be good with my choices. And now in this room at therapy, I realized life is about making choices and accepting responsibility for my actions. I was exhausted and overwhelmed with life.
The little girl inside of me screamed, “What do you mean make choices and take responsibility for my actions? I’m ADHD. I need medicine to help me make choices and be responsible.” I recognized that voice from when I was taken off of Ritalin at the age of 14. For 7 years prior, I had taken Ritalin while still hearing “Why can’t you do anything right?” “Why do you do everything wrong?” “You are the cause of every argument.” At the age of 14 when I realized I was now expected to do life and be responsible for my actions without the medical assistance, I felt doomed. I thought I was broken and my crutch was being taken away.
I realize now I allowed my mind to be full of fear, self-criticism, and self-doubt. I recognize I was insecure and lacked self-esteem. I acknowledge my self-destructive thinking led to self-destructive behaviors.
Today, I am awake to the fact that I believed the lies I heard and internally accepted those lies for truth. You see, as a child, I assumed adults had the right answers. I assumed adults knew more because of their age. Even when I became a mother, I assumed I was suppose to have the right answers and make the right choices for my children. I did not realize my thinking was faulty. I thought I was faulty.
I live life differently now. With a positive, confident, faithful attitude, I trust the process of making choices and accept outcomes. I realize that today and everyday, I get the task of being aware of my thoughts. I get to be aware when my thoughts become restricting because I am moving forward with activities that are new. I get to be aware when my thinking becomes self-doubting of my future capabilities. I get to be aware when my thinking becomes defensive because my ego wants to always be correct. I get to be aware when my thinking has a harsh tone. I get to be aware when I learn information about myself that makes me realize I can be greater than I am now. I get to be aware I am making choices while letting go of past beliefs.
I am happy to be awake. I am enthusiastic about living life and making choices. I 100% believe in ‘The Experience of Living Life: Making Choices.’
New Blog: “Organizing & Tracking Tasks with Stacy, Part 2”
I share with you my easy and fun strategy to write and track weekly and monthly tasks. I had so much fun editing this video because I kept thinking of little ways to make the information more entertaining. I realize a video about tasks does not sound exciting. But when you are ready to accomplish goals, being able to recognize what repetitive actions are necessary AND having a way to stay focused and accountable is important. I started this video project back in Hawaii, but the majority was accomplished in Thailand. I had a lot fun using my time resource to create this video. I hope you enjoy watching and gain some helpful information and encouragement.
https://youtu.be/qKt_bPJSH_A
Fun Personal Learning for You: Public Libraries
This month I am promoting the use of public libraries. From my own personal use this past year of a local public library, I can testify to its benefits. A public library can be a safe quiet welcoming place to relax, use a restroom, and use Wi-Fi. A public library can offer a variety of reading materials like books, magazines, and audio books. Computers, printers, and private rooms can be accessible to use. And public libraries can offer a comfortable environment when the weather outside is too hot or too cold.
I encourage you to enter a public library and ask yourself, “How can I expand myself in here?”